Be Careful Little Eyes...

sweet huh? it is. and when she randomly starts singing this throughout a busy day, the feeling in my heart is overwhelming. But the other day, admist a really stressful day, it occured to me how this song applies to me. For those of you know who know me well, you know that i tend to carry other people's pain very heavily. I have always been a sponge in this way. I soak up other people's saddness as if it was my own. I ache for heartache that is not mine. I easily become an emotional wreck, though not always apparently, when i learn of anguish such as the loss of a child in a family or a young mother dying of cancer, or other such awful things. Some will say that this is what lead me to my career in Social Work. Maybe.

It seems to me that with the current state of social media, facebook, blogs, etc, the world has become a much smaller place, and the knowledge of other people's pain is all to easy to stumble upon. I read some entries where parents have watched their children suffer and die. their writing is heartwrenching and their pain is palpable. Some how I feel connected to perfect strangers in their suffering. And then I suffer. I came to realize that I can no longer expose my "eyes" (heart) to this kind of pain. It does me no good. And if by some way, my reading this type of story could somehow alleviate even a fraction of that family's suffering, i would continue on in a heartbeat, without hesistation. But in fact, it doesn't. I believe, that for me, it causes me to live in a state of fear. A fear that the same afflictions will hit my family, a fear that paralyzes me in ways I can't really explain. It makes me feel anxious and hopeless. And when I hear Ellery sing, "be careful little ears what you hear" i am reminded that God did not create me to live in fear.

So for any family who has suffered and blogs, and writes about it, I am thankful that you have an outlet for that pain. And trust me, if i could help you by carrying your pain, even for a minute by reading your words, i would do it. But the truth is, my heart is too fragile. I cannot wrap my brain around the loss of a child, I cannot imagine getting out of bed day after day. Even knowing the hope of seeing that child in heaven, its gut wrenching. I can't allow my heart to go there, i just can't.

one of those dayzzzz...

It was a DAY yesterday. Nothing really all that bad, just a cummulative effect of random nonsense I guess. Camden was up a few times in the night, which is strange for him. So it started off with both of us feeling tired. He was generally crabby, seemingly teething. I had planned a yummy crockpot dinner that i was looking forward to, but had to get going early in the morning. Just after we got Ethan out the door to school, i knew i had to run to the store for one last ingredient i had overlooked on my grocery list for this meal. I load Camden and Ellery in the car, go get a pack of Taco Seasoning. We get home, i log onto the recipe website, and read a similar but different list and begin to freak out that i am somehow now missing 3 other ingredients and can't get the meal started in the crock pot. I text Kyle, cuz I ain't going back to the store AGAIN. I start scrolling around, only to realize that i was reading the wrong recipe, i breathe a sigh of relief and humbly text my husband to not go to the store afterall.
Camden takes an altogether too short nap for my satisfaction so i have a plan to get us out of the house until its time to get Ellery from school. I get us loaded back in the car, first stop to get gas cuz i am totally on empty. Get out to pump, realize i have left my debit card in the pocket of the coat i wore to the grocery store this morning, and strangely am wearing a different coat. I find an old credit card and get enough gas to get home. I rethink my plan of getting out of the house, since Camden is only get more irrate in the back seat. We go home, and i set about trying to pick up before the post-school maddness begins.
Its about 10 min before i have to leave to get Elle from preschool. i turn my back for a minute only to turn back around and see Camden looking slightly alarmed and COVERED in cocoa powder. He had gotten it out of the cupboard and the top came right off. He begins to pace around the kitchen floor looking nervous which results in little footprints of cocoa on my floor. I strip him down and throw his clothes in the sink. I turn to get a rag to start cleaning up and he goes directly to the laundry room to get the swiffer mop and sets about "cleaning" up. I was so amused at his thoughtfulness, i could hardly be mad at the kid. I scoop up a bunch of the powder only to realize that this stuff is hard to clean. I go to get the vacuum and think, "is it ok to vacuum this stuff? maybe next time i turn on the vacuum it will emit a giant cloud of chocolate all over my house..." this thought leads to, "well its not Anthrax, so i guess a chocolate dusting isn't so bad." I set about scooping more and vacuuming. I then realize we have mere minutes to get Ellery from school, Camden is half naked and i smell something foul coming from his little bootie. Sure enough, now we need to do a quick diaper change. I have no time to fetch clean clothes for the kid, so i put him in his one piece snow suit with nothin but a diaper on underneath.
As we are driving to get Ellery, i think, "Oh crap, i really should call the pediatrician about that diaper rash, turned yeast infection on Camden's butt that won't go away." I then wonder if i make that call now and they tell me, sure stop in now, i will have to bring my kid to the Dr in a snowmobile suit (its 45 degrees out) with nothing on under it but a diaper. I decide to postpone that call altogether.
We get Ellery, she climbs in the car, takes one look at Camden, and says, "are we going sledding?"  I say, "no, but wait til you see the mess Camden made at home!"
We walk in the door and she sniffs around the air (she was a search and rescue dog in a former life, i swear she has a killer sense of smell!) and says, "Yum, its a chocolate party! Can i lick that off the floor?"

on another note, this boy said his first sentence tonight: "This book-book." 

Everyone says, "write that down!"

when the kids say something funny, i usually post it on facebook. to me that feels like i have written it down, but i guess not really. I usually think, "oh, i should blog about that." but then never do. so even if its only funny quotes, i am going to try to Write that DOWN!

Ellery, this girl is the most complex (read:moody) person i have ever met. you just never know what you will get with any Ellery encounter. She certainly has some funny things to tell me though...

a few months back, the 2 of us were recalling what a treat it is for her to be the only girl in the family and how lucky she is to have 2 brothers and a wonderful daddy. to this she replied, "yes, i have 3 boys. One to love, one to play with and one to wrestle!" i asked who was which, she says, "i love camden, i play with ethan, and i wrestle daddy!"

a few weeks back, she started climbing into bed with Kyle and i in the middle of the night. When i asked her about this, she indicated that she was scared of the monster in her room. I went on to tell her that there are no monsters in her room, to which she replied, "well actually there is one because i prayed to God to send one to scare ethan and its hiding behind the curtain!"

a few days back, her bedtime prayer went like this, "Thank you for your great baby Jesus, even though we don't really HAVE baby Jesus, thank you for baby Camden, who sort of looks like baby Jesus."

and in general, if she is being naughty and i tell her in my haste, "I am never going to let you do (insert activity, treat, etc) again. She will reply, "oh, i know you will forget about that and give it to me anyways." which is strangely good insight for a 4 year old, since mostly she is absolutely right!